my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
want me to check your oil?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.