1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?