1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Kids, do not try this at home!
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
And bowling should be called pinball
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last