[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
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person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Meme Monday.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase