[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Morning.
Me if I was a dog
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Human are so complicated
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired