*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past