*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
No regrets in 2018
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.