*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you