*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
You Might Also Like
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.