my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.