1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.