[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
You Might Also Like
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood