Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination