[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
hey, alexa
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I saw nothing
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it