[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools