no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Bringing home a sharpie
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜