[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
every single time
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no