[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I don鈥檛 need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I鈥檓 baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let鈥檚 just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
You can tell you鈥檙e dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 馃檪
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My daughter鈥檚 morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it鈥檚 only allegedly seedless
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Sing like no one鈥檚 listening
Dance like no one鈥檚 watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one鈥檚 going to call the police
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!