[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Software Development ⛵️
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*