[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.