@noog: [5 year old tugs on pant leg] Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren't actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

@Deirdreocx: Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

@SkinnerSteven: [kitchen] "Please pass the bee-nut butte-" *wife glares* "-the honey"

@Bob_Janke: *washing motorcycle with my shirt off *cops show up Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

@ilovepie84: Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.