[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
You Might Also Like
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
men, we mow at sunrise.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Confused owl: What?!
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
dude it’s called proctologist
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.