@mjkspeaks: [job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.

@MarfSalvador: [My band playing on stage] New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

@Glynner85: The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you're done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.

@duplicitron: When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.

@jwoodham: KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger? NFL: No way, that would be dumb. KATY PERRY: Oh I'll show you dumb.