[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
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Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?