{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.