[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Finally
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.