[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT