[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
this is the best interaction on twitter
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”