[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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Probably my best painting.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire