[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
This a good idea
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl