[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.