Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people