[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third