[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.