[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Weirdly Wednesday.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??