[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
“A little help here, Danny?”
Peace was never an option
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Investing in beetcoin
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
constantly working on myself.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”