[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
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Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.