1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Comparing yourself to others
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.