1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Just this preview of the story is enough
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone