[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.