[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!