*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
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Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
A friend sent me this.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?