[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
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Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
a lot to unpack here
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.