[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Okay
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.