[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
The biggest mystery of our time
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
#DesignFail
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family