1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams