1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.