I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones