{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.