[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Story of my life…..
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card