[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
i was baptized in a car wash
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”