[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Worst Native American name ever.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards