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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
How it started How it’s going
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was